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Our Latest Post
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Don’t Worry—This Is Exactly How the Founding Fathers Intended You to Feel on Election Day
“Election Day should feel like seasonal depression on Four Loko. Benjamin Franklin said that.” -
Eeyore’s Tips for
Election Day Self-Care“People always ask me, ‘Why are you so sad, Eeyore? Is it because of the election?’ Election Day or regular day, it’s all the same to me. Here’s my advice for accepting the inevitable.” -
Based on Our Election Forecast, We Are 100 Percent Sure Anything Could Fucking Happen
“There are many vibes-based hacks out there. But if you subscribe to my website, I will debunk this ridiculous wish-casting that tries to convince you anything is possible and give you a complex quantitative analysis of why anything is possible.” -
I Will Be Away from My Desk on November 6
“If the election is decided by the morning of November 6, I will not be at my desk because I will be curled up on the floor weeping. I am not sure whether my tears will be tears of joy or tears of terror, but they are almost guaranteed to flow.” -
Template for Donald Trump’s “I Don’t Accept the Election Results” Speeches
“This election [WILL BE / IS / WAS] rigged! They have illegally stolen this election from me by using [MAIL-IN BALLOTS / EARLY VOTING / DOMINION MACHINES / THE BASIC MATHEMATIC PRINCIPLE OF COUNTING VOTES].”
Trending
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October 15, 2024I’m an Undecided Hobbit, Torn Between a Dark Lord Who Promises an Age of Chaos and an Elf Queen Whom I Just Wish I Knew More About
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October 28, 2024The Starfleet Gazette Will Not Be Endorsing a Candidate for President of the United Federation of Planets
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September 20, 2024It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
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August 19, 2024Lest We Forget the Horrors: A Catalog of Trump’s Worst Cruelties, Collusions, Corruptions, and Crimes: The Complete Listing: Atrocities 1–1,056
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October 24, 2024So, You’re Addicted to Reading the Polls
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October 15, 2024Is It Perimenopause or the Fascist Death Knell of Late-Stage Capitalism?
Interviews, Essays, and Excerpts
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November 4, 2024270 Reasons: Because There Are No Rights, No Freedoms That Some Extremists Won’t Try to Take From Us
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November 1, 2024270 Reasons: Because on January 6, I Was More Afraid Working at the Capitol Than During My Entire Army Deployment to Iraq
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October 31, 2024270 Reasons: Because If You Don’t Want to Live in The Handmaid’s Tale, You Really Need to Vote Harris-Walz
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October 30, 2024270 Reasons: Because Her Policies, Character, and Leadership Ethos Align with My Core Values as a Veteran
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October 29, 2024270 Reasons: Because I Want the American Experiment to Continue
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October 28, 2024270 Reasons: Because Kamala Harris Is an Ally to the Queer Community
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October 25, 2024270 Reasons: Because She Won’t Eliminate the Department of Education
Over in the Store
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“It's not just that I trust Sam Sax's imagination. My sincere belief is that Sam's creative freedom unlocks the potential for our liberation.”
—Saeed Jones
Recent Posts
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October 31, 2024This Election Wouldn’t Be So Close If My Historically Unpopular Opponent Wasn’t Such a Shrewd Campaigner
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October 31, 2024How to Burn Off Halloween Candy Calories: 2024 Election Edition
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October 31, 2024I’m Voting for Trump Because of the Things He Says He’ll Do, Which I Don’t Actually Believe He’ll Do
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October 30, 2024The Final Presidential Debate If Both Harris and Trump Were Huge Birders
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October 30, 2024How Far We’ve Come Since 2016: Election Edition
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